Big Questions

Yesterday was Curling Boy and I's one month "anniversary". Of 'the talk' that put us officially in relationship status. So I found it appropriate to stop and evaluate our relationship, how I feel about him, etc. And I found myself feeling certain...urges in the vocabulary department. Urges that kinda freaked me out and made me want to shout "no! too soon!!". I needed help answering this question I'm now faced with, so I turned to my friend, the Internet. So tell me Google...

How do I know if I'm in love?

I know, I know. Shush, I know, it's SO soon. And it's completely freaking me out. Calm down, I'm taking my time with this question.

In response to my inquiry, Google gave me a variety of things, from articles about how to tell if you are feeling love/lust/gas, and fun quizzes.

Oh I'm so a quiz girl. I clicked on the first one I knew my work computer would allow me to view. The questions started off ok - how do you respond when you see him, how often do you talk on the phone (no room for 'texting only' in that one). And then it asked if I've ever farted in front of him. You know what, I don't think my gastrointestinal activities have anything to do with whether or not I love someone. So skip that stupid thing!

On to an article. "There are four types of love: childish love, parental love, infatuation, and 'being in love'." Oh hells no I don't agree with that. I love my friends, I love my dog, and those certainly don't fall into any of those categories. Skipping.

Next article. Information posed as questions. Ok, looks like one I'd like. "Do I blush around him, or have another kind of physical response to him and his touch?" Yes. I blush. And I get all awkward sometimes. Stop laughing.

"Have you talked about marriage?" Ok, waaaayyy to far along on the road there.

"Does everything seem to remind you of your partner?" Huh? No. Wouldn't that fall under the guise of obsessive? "Oh look, peanut butter. Curling boy one mentioned a PBJ sandwich. I remember because I wrote an entry about it in my relationship journal." I'm giving you one last shot, article.

"Do you feel good around your partner? Have 'flying high' feelings, or feel like you can conquer anything?". Huh, now there's a good question. No, I don't believe so. I feel fuzzy inside (like the good kind, not the 'see a doctor about that' kind). Have I felt that way about previous boyfriends? Yes, I have, I kinda remember the whole "nothing can go wrong" high. But I had that for the first two weeks of my relationship with Curling Boy, and I know I wasn't "in love" then.

So how do you know? No, really, Reader - how do you know? How have you figured it out in the past, or in your current relationship? I feel a bit wigged out about even considering this concept so early in our relationship. Yes, we've been seeing each other since before Halloween last year, but still, isn't that still too early?

Ok, to summerize - how do you know when you've fallen in love, and how early is too early?

Yes, I know, I'm blushing

Well, more time has passed in relationship land with Curling Boy, and, oh my gosh, I really like him. It's getting annoying, but yes, I'm smitten. Stop laughing, Boudica! Yes, I know, I'm blushing like crazy.

So here's what's been going on in date-world:

Over the weekend I moved from a Seattle suburb to Seattle proper (first time in a big city!). Curling Boy helped me move on Sunday, and then we saw a movie, hung out at his place (cuddles on his bed? yes please!). And no, it stayed G-rated. His brother and good friend came over, and we all sat around watching tv, joking around, having a good time. I think I passed the "does she mesh well with my friends" test with flying colors (thank god for baklava). No, but really, we had a great time.

It was getting late (10:40-ish) and I was exhausted. So, sitting next to Curling Boy on the couch, I curled up against him and closed my eyes as the guys kinda just chatted, things generally winding down. I, woops, "fell asleep". :D

So around 11 the brother and friend left, and I was just curled up against Curling Boy. He put his arm around me, kissed the top of my head (uh!), and just held me for like twenty minutes!! Oh my!

By this point, I'm beyond tired, and need some sleep. I "wake up", snuggled in his arms, and did a "oh, look at the time, I need to get home and go to sleep". His response?

"You can stay here, if you'd like."

Oh my god!!! (Finally!) Yes, yes, I *would* like.

And things got a little... not G-rated.

In the morning, he made me breakfast (a really good one, actually), and off I went to keep moving.

Last night, he asked me if I wanted to join him and another of his friends (Fraggle Rock) at the AFK tavern for dinner. A chance to see my boyfriend for our first post-coitis interaction. Uh, yes.

So I drive to his place, we go pick up Fraggle Rock, and off to dinner. The boys, bless their hearts, sit next to each other. Not exactly what I was hoping for. Kinda....made me feel akward. And in desperate need of validation.

But we talked, ate, laughed, etc. for, like, two hours! So much fun. Fraggle Rock gave me such a sweet, earnest "I had a lot of fun talking with you" when we dropped him off. It was really touching. And made me so proud that Curling Boy had a friend-approved girlfriend.

At this point, it's crazy late. I need to get home and get to sleep, and Curling Boy is a bit militaristic about his bed time on work nights. So we're in the parking lot of his apartment complex, "saying" goodbye. And I just keep kissing him. So wonderful. Nice little bit of validation there.

I got home, and immediately closed my online dating profiles.

Two week check-up

Two weeks ago, today, I said I would start a relationship with Curling Boy, and check in after two weeks to see how things are going, and how I feel about being my true self around him.

Well, after two weeks, I'm actually quite happy. I've really challenged myself to say the things I'd normally say in a circumstance - not hold my tongue or edit my thoughts. The more I be myself, the easier it becomes. And Curling Boy hasn't run away screaming, yet, so that's a good sign.

Reading through my blog with some girlfriends over the weekend, I noticed I hadn't written an update on Marysville Man. Pft. Well, the jerk fell off the face of the planet.

I was speaking with Siren, and I was lamenting how hot he is, and she said something great: "Hot guys tend to be more drama". Wow, does that seem true.

Another funny update - on my OkCupid account, I've noticed that I keep getting 'matched' with The Father. And oh man, his new profile pic - it's a close-up of his eye. With eyeliner on.

The evil laughter that this erupts from me is beautiful. Maleficent would be proud!

So, you may be asking, "Hey, Seattleite, have you disabled or canceled your OkCupid and Match.com accounts?". The short answer is no. Here's why-

Partially, I'm cynical, and I kinda feel like things aren't going to last with Curling Boy. It's not that I don't want them to, but the last couple of guys I met online all turned out to just sail right past my "no-no line" (like that, Starfish?), and do things that are on my 'do this and we're done' list.

Ok, the other part for not canceling my accounts. Well, golly, I'm gunna have to be extreemly honest here. Deep breath. Ok.

It's cuz not only is having guys hit on me good for my self esteem, it, well, it makes me feel more wanted and desirable. Yep. Self esteem is a bitch.

And the old farts! Hahaha! Ok, so I told Alaska that I was in a relationship, and he's pulled his mad hitting on me back a bit. I was chatting with Starfish about it, and she bust up laughing, telling me how Alaska hits on her too, and started to list things he would say to her - wow, the *exact* same things he says to me.

Ok, advice to the men of the world. You may think you have a line or a phrase that works. Fine. Go for it. But when you use the line or courting verbiage to two girls, that are friends, and treat it like you're seriously trying to start a relationship you're setting yourself up for a major burn.

Ahh, but maybe that's why he's still single.

So today is Valentine's Day. Big, imposing, messy day of expectations for people in relationships. Men are expected to romance and give gifts. Women are expected to wear slutty lingerie, and thus hot sex occuring. Very intimidating for a girl in a new relationship - hell, anyone in a new relationship. Especially when expectations are unknown, and you're still trying to figure out what your partner likes (in sooo many ways).

During our date on Sunday (the 12th), Curling Boy and I had our first serious make-out session.

And today on FaceBook he posted an article about how "scientists" see sex. And he states that the female orgasm is an incentive for sex.

OH MAN! My burning face. Yeah, we haven't progressed far in our physical relationship, and I'm now wondering if he's expecting sex tonight. I'm certainly not. Nor do I think I'm ready for it. Maybe some makin' out, get to second base, maybe third. We'll see. :D

I kinda see our first time together as a weekend thing - where neither of us are thinking about work the next day, and what time we need to get to bed, I mean sleep, to be functional the next day. And going to a guy's house, having sex for the first time, then getting kicked out cuz it's a work night - yeah, SO not my bag, baby.

So we'll see how tonight goes. I'll be sure to check in tomorrow and let you know.

But to everyone else, either in a relationship or not, happy Valentine's Day. May your partner, battery-operated or otherwise, give you some good incentives tonight.

Wait, what?

Well it's been an interesting week, ladies. Lots to share, and maybe you can help me understand, well, what the hell happened!

Over the weekend was a big event for a medieval group I am a part of. I worked the weekend, introducing the concepts of our organization to folks off the street. Yes, I'm a big 'ol geek. But I love it.

I invited Curling Boy to attend. I figured that if we were going to be seeing each other, and possibly moving forward, that he needed to see this, see me in this, and understand just how incredibly important the medieval stuff is to me. So he said he would come. He even said he would make something for the potluck after-party on Saturday. Color me impressed!

We messaged a bit (as he doesn't text - how do you not text??), and he said he would be there mid to late morning. I worked my booth, smiled, chatted, did my dance. No Curling Boy. Color me anxious. I check messenger - he's slept late and still needs to cook, he'll be there just after lunch. Ok, great, thank you for the update. I relax a little, and get back to work. And time passes. And passes, and still no Curling Boy. I'm anxious again.

Maybe I should interject here about why I'm so anxious. This medieval stuff, well, it's my bliss. My guilt-less ecstasy. The last 'normal' guy I hit it off with and introducted him to this side of me ran off screaming like I was a drooling zombie. And yet he accepted my fascination with zombies with no problem. Go figure.

So Curling Boy not showing up, delaying a few times with me, made me worried this was him running away from the zombie. Finally, around 4:30, he shows up. Oy vey. I'm now a little frazzled, a bit impatient, a bit pissy, achy, and ready to open the bottle of Lambic in my basket. As I was still working, I threw a tunic on him and sent him into the world while I wrapped some things up. We then took a circut of the site, introducing him to the wonderful people in my life.

And then we went to court, and surprise, surprise I got an amazing award. I must say, it was so wonderful to have someone to share that moment with. It's funny how we forget how wonderful it is to share those things with someone. Now I'm feeling all squishy inside; a purring cat.

Time for the potluck. We get our plates, sit with some of my great friends, and get to noshing. Sitting with us are Fleetwood Mac, her boyfriend Sprite, Boudica, and Siren (whom I am going to be living with). We're all chatting, having fun, and blah blah blah. Siren starts talking about something (I'll be honest, I didn't catch it, I was a little in my cups), and Curling Boy piped up with "I should introduce you to my ex, I think you two would have fun talking about that." Insert my jaw, fallen to the ground, flies able to buzz in and out of it.

Are you kidding me?? No. My friends. Not your ex's friends. Mine. She doesn't get to meet them. She doesn't get to even know if they have a shared interest. These are mine, and she can't have them. And you bring up your ex, in general? Come on. Babe, I know you two were together for a long time, but really - you've got to seperate yourself and be your own individual here. You can't always be "blah-blah's ex".

I thought about it the next day as I was back at the event, and all day Monday. My conclusion is that he must still be in love with her. I share my thoughts with Siren, who brings up another good point, which was like a dull haze in the back of my head until she shined some light on it. I act much, much more reserved around Curling Boy. I'm not the wild, energetic, free spirit I usually am. What's up with that? I ponder that some, and I think it's the issue my therapist and I have been working on for almost three years - my insaine need to have people like me. I will change my character to fit what I think people will like. I hate that. I thought I was over that.

"I'm ending it with him," was my solution. I prepared this whole schpiel in my head about how I like him but his still loving 'blah-blah' was hurting me. So I go to his house Monday night. I start my schpiel, and he interjects, "I don't think I'm still in love with her, but she was a big part of my life. Please be patient with me, and I really like you, too, and don't want this to end."

Oh I'm such a big baby. I can't hurt him. I do, honestly, like him. Yes, he's got moves that make a snail look fast, but he's very sweet and I like being with him. He then pulls me into his arms and holds me, rubbing my back, saying that he's glad I came over to talk, and other things that escape my memory. He then says that he'd like to start introducing me as his girlfriend. Ok, that shocked me. I made a non-commital noise, kinda blown away by it.

Aaaand then he says "and at some point I'd like to figure out how to get you in the sack". WOW!! My inner southern lady (yes, I have one) wants to bolt up and say, "my word!" with rightous indignation. And another, smaller, wickeder part of me is cackling, saying "about time".

Guess who I listen to? That's right.

So after about an hour of cuddling and talking, I need to head home. He gives me some kisses. More tongue than ever, but still that damn quick, pecky thing. I get in my car and drive home, asking myself how the hell all this happened. I go there to end things and end up his girlfriend. It's now time to call Siren.

Siren then gave me some incredibly good advice - I have two options. I can end things with him, or give him the opportunity to know the real me, and possibly like the real me. My god, she amazes me. (I'm really quite lucky to have such smart friends.)

I think it through, and I decide that it would be a shame to throw away a potentially good relationship because of me being afraid, or whatever it is I'm feeling.

And so I stand before you a girl in a relationship. A somewhat dismayed, confused girl, but wrangled.

Curling Boy, it seems, was wicked fast about posting on FaceBook his new relationship status. Did you know his mom is friends with him on FB? Well she is. And she's quite delighted in her son's accomplishment.

And to make me even more confused, Marysville Man has popped back up. That's right. He's texting me again. Being kinda...aloof? But present and, uh!, fracking tempting. Stop that, S! (that's me, ladies) I'm going to jump into this new relationship with both feet and make an honest effort here. I'm going to keep track of how things go, and how I feel, and assess things after two weeks. If I still can't step up and be myself I need to end things. I absolutely hate the idea of hurting Curling Boy (wimp), but I need to be true to myself.

And I'm moving soon and it sure would be great to have him help out with that.

Hope Springs Eternal

This weekend was one of surprising...well, good things! Saturday, Curling Boy took me out to lunch at a Thai restaurant. Afterwords, he wanted to take me for a walk through a park. The snow was very slushy, and the ground incredibly soggy. The woods reminded me so much of where I grew up, and I shared some wonderful childhood memories of the place. He held my hand, was sweet, and said he was sorry for the slush, but he thought it originally was a romantic idea.

Wow - he used the 'r' word.

He then invited me back to his place for a while.

Calm down, ladies. I'd been to his place a couple times before (actually, I do think that it was twice before). He sat on his couch, and I curled up next to him, lying down, with my head kinda against his lap. I put his arm around me, and we held hand. Our other hands occasionally held each other, sometimes I just left my hand on his knee.

I know, really exciting for a high-schooler, huh? (Hahaha).

After two episodes, he took me home, and I gave him a silly lollypop as a gift. He walked me to my door and then...wait for it......ready?....He slipped me some tongue! I know, right?! It was a quick little "woop!" during our usually boring pecking.

I'm still all a-twitter (snort).

I messaged him that I had a really good time, and that I really liked our goodbye kiss. He messaged back, "I really enjoyed that kiss too ;) ".

Ooooo, a wink!!! I'm all a-flutter now!

Saturday i was also feeling ballsy, and I texted Marysville Man. Ahhh! What was a thinking?! So I texted him (stop rolling your eyes at me): "Ok, I'm feeling ballsy, so I'm just going to say it. I'm attracted and intreaged by you. I had a great time with you last week, and I'd like to see you Sunday".

Aaaand time went by. I really wanted to killed myself, I was feeling so vulnerable.

He finally got back to me today (Sunday) at 4:12 in the afternoon. Shut up, it was via text and I have a record of it.

He replied: "I appreciate you being forward and I think you're pretty cool but I haven't been in a good place this last week. I've seen that I've got things in my life I need to work on. Sorry if I 'm over sharing."

Was anybody else as frustrated by his poor punctuation?

And OMG he finally responded. I was feeling like this was kinda a blow-off. My response: "No, you aren't, and I appreciate you at least contacting me back. I know right were you're at and it sucks so bad, and I'm so sorry."

Shut up, I suck at grammer.

His response: "It's ok, I appreciate that you understand".

Me: " Are you interested, at least, in seeing me again?".

Him: "Yeah, I'd like to hang out again sometime".

So...maybe I can see him again. Maybe. I hope. Maybe...... I hope...

I haven't responded to him yet. How should I respond? Should I suggest something? No, not feeling that one. Maybe I'll just say to him that he should tell me when he wants to do something. No, not feeling that either. Aaahh, bleh! How do I respond???

I'm confused, but feeling better about things. Let's see what happens.

Lame. The title of my autobiography.

For some reason, over the past few days, these...older gentlemen have started seriously hiting on me on Facebook.

Like any girl with low self esteem, I've friended a lot of people I don't actually know but know other people I know. Two of them happen to be...well, they're old. The first, Alaska (guess where he lives) is 44 and a teacher in bum-fuck no-where. The other, hmm, what to call him...let's go with Cript Keeper, is who knows how old (when does grey hair start?).

Alaska seriously bumped up the light flattery to whole-hearted 'I want in your pants' verbage. I mean he started telling me graphic things that he wanted to do to me and my ancestors. What the huh? And Cript Keeper has begun commenting on every single one of my FaceBook posts and has made attempts to schedule get-togethers with me (including trying to seduce me with free booze. That bastard).

Why? Why do they want me all of a sudden? Bubbles thinks it's because they want me to have their babies. Oh hush, Bubbles. This vagina is a baby-free zone.

On the other front, I have another another guy from Match.com that wants to text with me. He's 5 feet 6 inches tall, so he might as well be shorter. Shorty is sweet, and a dog lover (cha-ching!). But our texting is minimal so far. That's fine so far.

Marysville Man, though...oh man I have a thing for him. We had one or two texts over the last few days. And today I said "oh, hey, I'm going to be in Marysville on Sunday. Would you like to do something?" Miss Non-chelaunt. Liar. No plans in Marysville. I just want to see him and lip lock for about an hour. Or four.

He said "that'd be good". Wow, I am so way too...what's the word for being willing to jump at any opportunity to see a handsome man, including lying about having plans a half hour away? Stupid. That's it.

And that's it for now. Two men with body fluids so old they come out as powder, a man who can look me straight in the neck, and dry conversation from a man I'm an idiot for.

Where's the pathetic bar? How do I stop...well, lowering it even more?

Foot in Mouth Syndrome

Something about digital dating makes me more likely to really, really say stupid things that I regret. Last night while IM'ing with Curling Boy we somehow got onto the topic of penis size (thank you Austin Powers for that segue). We got to talking about the Swedish Made Penis Enlarger...and he said something about size not mattering...and I mentioned my eraser-sized exboyfriend....and that's when it got weird.

Oh man. Yeah, I the suck.

The thing about digital dating is that allows you (or maybe it's just me) to be bolder than you would be in real life. You wink at guys that you would be too intimidated to even be caught looking at in real life. You flirt, and actually imagine that you are on the same rung of the social ladder. And then he responds....And bam you're back in high school, face beat red, after having been given the "yeah right" look by the hot jock.

On another note, Marysville Man and I texted a little last night. I was very antsy, feeling like his layoff would be the mechanism of our drifting apart (nooo!!!). My roommate (let's call her Bubbles - it's cuz of your laugh, honey) said "why don't you text him?" Oh Bubbles. I was so ready to make the move. I texted him: "Hi. Thinking of you. Hope you're staying warm with all the snow."

And I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And cursed Bubbles a few times.

And then a half hour later he responded. (Phew!) and it began with "Yessum". (Did he kinda just call me ma'am?) Insert my deflated heart.

We then kinda texted. I was responding whole-heartedly. He...was succinct but still nice. Oy. I wish I could read men's minds.

So here's my digital dating temperature: major head-smacking conversation with Curling Boy, and somewhat one-sided conversation with Marysville Man.

Yeah. Way to suck.

You know what? I think I'm just a little too eager. I kinda miss being in a relationship. I miss the emotional intimacy, and the emotional side of having "relations" with a man. And then the snuggling. Oh man, I miss snuggling! Curling Boy is just way too uncomfortable with snuggling, and I've only had the one date with Marysville Man, and it wasn't a snuggle-worthy date.

I'm going to try to mantra myself down from this eagerness. Let's see how long that works.

The Road So Far Traveled

When I first tried online dating two years ago it went...well unsuccessfully. Both of my major relationships as an adult began from introductions from friends. I'll let you assume how those went.

I'm giving this online dating another shot, originally at the urging of my stepmother (whom I love dearly).

So I created accounts with two major online dating websites: Match.com and OkCupid.com. Surprisingly, things have been very productive, and I've been on my fair share of first dates. One relationship began with a fellow (let's call him The Father - he has 3 kids, he's not a priest). The Father and I hit it off with lightening and it became hot and heavy very quickly. He stole my heart, and then showed me his incredible emotional baggage, which I was willing to work on with him. Then he turned around and said "I've decided to not see anyone until I get things worked out" - the day after Christmas. Via text. While I was recovering from surgery.

Yeah, ass.

I've gone on about 9 dates now with another guy (Curling Boy). He's very sweet, and I enjoy being with him, but the man moves at a snail's pace. I've met his friends, even went to one of their birthday parties. I'm introduced as the person Curling Boy has been seeing. That's fine. The most action I've gotten is a peck on the lips and a hug. I gotta say - this leaves me confused and.... unsatisfied. About a week and a half ago he asked me when I'd be ready to make our relationship official on FaceBook. What? I didn't know we were there yet. "Let's talk about it when we see each other tomorrow". His response in person? "I was just joking". No you weren't, babe. You're hurt and vulnerable and don't want to show me that I hurt you.

At the birthday party three days ago I met his ex. They did a joint gift to the birthday boy. Yeah, he's still hung up on her. I mentioned to him after the party that it's ok to make a move. His response? "I'm not ready yet".

Ok, I'm losing my patience, and sanity on this one.

And then there's my newest, and the one I am really liking. Marysville Man. Oh my goodness, he is one sexy piece of sexy. We met on OkCupid, and after a few days of emails on the website moved up to texting. Texting, texting, and then finally had our first date on Sunday. He took me to a family arcade place. We played Skeeball, arcade games, mini golf, and he gave me all his points at the end. We went to dinner, had a nice time, and then had a very, very sweet good night kiss that left my heart pounding and made me wish he didn't have to go. Oh yes, I do like Marysville Man. I can almost see our future wedding, someone telling the story of our first date and how he gave me all his arcade points. (Yes, it's silly, I'm a girl, shut up).

And last night we were texting and he told me he just got laid off. Frack. I asked him if instead of going out to dinner and a movie for our next date (as we had discussed) if he'd like to come to my house and see a movie. He replied that he needs to cut all his spending until he has unemployment worked out and possibly a job. I completely understand that in my head. In my heart I'm wailing "now it's never going to work out! he's going to become morose about his layoff, and we'll just end up drifting apart!!".

Yes, I know, I already stated I'm a girl. I overthink these things sometimes.

So that's where I'm at. Feeling confused and...well confused. And secretly wishing I could read minds (but had an off-switch).